Monday, April 25, 2005
I've not been updating this regularly- oh well, i NEVER do..
In a way, the last entry very much expresses how i feel now still.. the dread and dismay, the dark gloom that befalls on me each sunday night..
O how the Sun rises only on the weekends?
And with how sad steps it climbst down the skies?
As the deep darkness desends upon my world
with creatures of the night creeping
in dreams which yet unfold into a
world of pure emptiness- how it
leaves you cold! How it rips your soul!
Stars, Moon, Sun, Rain walk in my fashion.
Today's another boring day at work. Dont take me wrong- I love my collegues, (just a little distaste for the Chao-England Opeh) and i really appreaciate Jac (moi immediate superior) for making so many compromises for me- leave and all, putting me in marketing, the MOST interesting job any EOA like me can have; a job which enables me space for creatativity, desgining stuff and having flexible working hours- working morning shifts so that i can have the evening free. Even working with the radio on (yes, its a luxuary here) But oh moi i'm one not to be contained- it seems that i was given ALOT of freedom (relatively to other EOAs) but i have more to achieve, more to do to fulfill my soul, and i need MORE space than what i've been given. Am i asking too much? No? Fully understanding that i cant expect so much in the workforce, but hey- I can always earn the money in a Proper job in time to come, but I'm only 19 once. And there's so much implicit cost which outweighs the total gain that i just could not bear to sacrifice. No matter how attractive earning is to me- it doesnt beat spending quarlity time with my love ones or rather, with myself.
Am I living an Irony? Yes by all good things, I absolutely am! How i work in an industry which i myself had detest- an industry whose policy is to rob all children of their childhood, to steal their youth (like what they are almost doing to me) and crush their creativity! How I suffer in silence for my hypocrisy! Could I endure another 1 month? All I've been doing is to complain! I have been stung by my conscience to be responisble- at least finish the job till the end of May.
And i pray that i will feel better after writing this entry in the very comfort of my office.Where no cameras can zoom in to see what i wrote (not as if i care if they do).
As i wait in agony for any accepted admission to either Mass Com or Arts- the former proves much harder than the latter, esp after my screwed-up MCQ test and essay of which exposes my ignorance to who the PM of Thailand is and Where our PM's wife works in, not to mention my very brief conversation with the Prof during the interview where i failed to show my self- I am pounded by the gloom of which the sun refuses to rise- it does sometimes, but barely when you can see the light, it goes back down again.. I get so worried about Quanju, esp when he's sick and still have to command his platoon. I wish i can enjoy my whole holiday doing what I've mentioned in moi last entry..(yes, its kinda long to be repeated again) As much as i know its his responsiblity to serve the counrty- but argh! Isnt he doing enough already?? All those National Team training...and wad about me? I am to serve Singapore by producing enough kids to stop the Grey-by boom! And I'll need him! Even if its to be done only 7 years later.
I wish i can take up some courses instead of been confined to this cubicle. OKOK, i guess i've written enough to vent some of my fustrations.. I wish i could just stay at home and learn all the pieces that QJ taught me instead of.. argh! you-know-what. damn.. Eunice! Stop it!
I miss moi darling Yang Quanju... *sob*
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Loves...
